The Power of the Morning Swim

January 26, 2009 at 6:19 PM (Musings) (, , )

Last night, I was seething, to put it lightly.  I’m talking “woe to the soul who dares to stand ‘twixt me and, well, just about anything” enraged.  I won’t delve into details, because they’re irrelevant, but, have you ever thought to yourself that you’ve gotten over an incident with someone, only to realise that upon seeing that person, it takes every ounce of self-restraint in your being to keep from retching, throttling the person, or both?  It makes me think of a Julie de Lespinasse quote: “You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”  Granted, the quote’s a bit radical for my situation (I’d like to think, at least), but I found it in someone’s Facebook profile once and it’s stuck with me ever since.

Anyway, the person in question hadn’t done anything wrong yesterday, I suppose – or maybe so, but it’s all subjective – but being in a particular environment under just the right circumstances still cultured a knot in my stomach the size of a small grapefruit.  As I battled my fight-or-flight reflex, I remembered something someone had told me several months ago: “You never really get over someone, I’ve found.  As you push them out of your life, the effect they have on you stays with you, but gets buried with time, and you tell yourself that you’re over them.  As soon as they turn up on the radar again, though, you’re just as much of a mess as you were the last time you encountered them.  I know that I personally had some people in my life, who I wish never to see, or even hear their name, again.”  I guess I had managed to reopen my first wound.  I wasn’t so much angry with the person, but with myself for being so easily affected by someone.

I came home last night emotionally drained, and sorely tempted to have at least one more drink before going to bed.  I refrained, instead vowing to swim in the morning.  Before retiring, I asked the little wanderer if she had any interest in joining me for an 8.30 A. M. swim, and she tentatively agreed.  Although I was exhausted, I tossed and turned for what felt like an hour before finally falling asleep.

My alarm chirped at me as menacingly as usual this morning, but for once, I was determined not to opt for a snooze.  In contrast, I lept out of bed to brew a pot of coffee.  I knocked on the little wanderer’s door first, and heard nothing.  Knowing that she’d been up late working on grad school applications, I decided not to disturb her.  However, once I started the coffee, I heard an equally annoying phone alarm: this time it was the little wanderer’s.  I held my breath.  Although I was planning on swimming regardless of company, I still hoped I wouldn’t be going alone.  Calorie-burning misery loves company.

I was in luck: my suitemate emerged and welcomed the the cup of coffee that awaited her in exchange for swimming companionship.  My mood was still less than savoury, but knowing that I wouldn’t be swimming alone lifted my spirits somewhat.

I hoisted myself out of the pool an hour later feeling like a new person.  The endorphins had outdone themselves: I may as well have just scored my dream job, I was so content.  Although I still harbour some bitter feelings, those are tucked away for now, and I don’t plan on letting them get to me for as long as I can help it.  When they do take over again, though, it’s good to know that they’re somewhat water-soluble.

Today’s Tunes
“Four Minutes,” Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake
“Keeps Gettin’ Better,” Christina Aguilera
“Miss Independent,” Ne-Yo
“Dangerous,” Kardinal Offishall feat. Akon
“If I Never See Your Face Again,” Maroon 5 feat. Rihanna
“So What,” P!nk
“Gyrate,” Da Muzicianz feat. Mr. Collipark
“American Boy,” Estelle feat. Kanye West
“See You In My Nightmares,” Kanye West feat. Lil Wayne
“Viva la Vida,” Coldplay
“Womanizer,” Britney Spears
“I’m Yours,” Jason Mraz
“Love Song,” Sara Bareilles

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