Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine: Steak Tips Dijon

April 10, 2009 at 12:13 AM (Happenings) (, , , , )

I’ve discovered the secret to what makes LeanCuisine effective: they manufacture products so vile that even goats won’t eat them.  I wish I was kidding.  I knew I was in trouble when my lunch had been in the microwave not five minutes and the smell started to nauseate me.  I knew I was in a LOT of trouble when I took the tray out of the microwave a couple minutes later and was reminded of a colourful letter of complaint sent to Virgin Atlantic’s Sir Richard Branson regarding the terrible “food.”

I don’t purchase Lean Cuisine frequently, nor do I actually think it will help me lose weight (I eat what I darned well please more often than not), but because occasionally it’s on sale, and it requires less effort than preparing the perfect medium-rare porterhouse steak.  I’ve bought some really unappetising selections, but usually I can manage to finish about half of the dish.

Not this time.

Never have I had second thoughts about a Lean Cuisine before I took it out of the microwave. It smelled like – well, I won’t go into detail, as I don’t know how many of you are planning on eating later on.  Suffice to say that I was regretting my purchase already, regardless of the fact that it was free with the purchase of four other Lean Cuisine products.

The microwave chirped at me a couple minutes later.  The deed was almost done.  I needed only to let this mystery dish sit for two minutes before I got to peel back the plastic to see what I’d won.

Two minutes later, it was clear that I’d won the booby prize.  The green beans looked pitifully devoid of nutrients in the side dish on the right, having been shrunken to occupy maybe a quarter of their compartment.

As for the items in the left-hand compartment of the dish, the “main course” . . .  Well, pardon my bluntness, but I don’t know how else to describe it:

Some folks at Lean Cuisine must have thought it would have been a good idea to have a cow defecate into the dish, coat it with gravy, freeze it and sell it to unsuspecting consumers.  Cautiously, I tried to poke a shriveled up piece of I-don’t-know-what (Lean Cuisine labeled it “red skin potato”), but it resisted the fork’s prongs.  After a brief battle, I finally stabbed the bugger and shoved it into my mouth.  I immediately regretted my decision.  During this encounter I was providing a friend of mine with the play-by-play via Google Chat.  Here’s how I described the potato incident:

Me: What the [expletive] is that!? A potato!?
Friend: starch? how is that lean?
Me: ::tastes it:: Evidently by making you have absolutely no interest in finishing it . . .

The actual “steak tips” were no better.  I went to spearhead a morsel with my fork, only to have it fall apart.  I scooped up a shred with much less bravado than I had the potato . . . thing.  If a hot dog and cheap corned beef were to somehow engage in illicit relations, then the result would be the flavour and texture of what I had just ingested.

Dear readers, it pains me to say that the pathetic pile of green in the corner of my dish was the most painless part of that “meal.”  They tasted like, well, nothing, really.  Nothing with a hint of texture.

I’ve never been wild about Lean Cuisine, but it’s usually served some kind of purpose.  After this incident, though, I will be hard-pressed to ever consider purchasing their products again in the future.  I’ll suck it up and spend an extra 20 minutes making myself pasta.

Today’s Tunes
“I Don’t Wanna Be a Soldier Mama,” John Lennon
“How Do You Sleep?” John Lennon
“Meat City,” John Lennon
“Aisumasen (I’m Sorry) (Home Version),” John Lennon
“Bring on the Lucie (Freda People) (Home Version),” John Lennon
“John Sinclair (Live),” John Lennon
“What You Got,” John Lennon
“Watching the Wheels,” John Lennon
“Real Love,” John Lennon
“Imagine (Live),” John Lennon

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1 Comment

  1. bobbypens said,

    lol Now cross Lean Cuisine off your list of places to interview 😛

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