No, I Can’t Get a Perfect Tan

March 1, 2011 at 3:27 AM (Happenings) (, , , )

For those of you know know me, I don’t have to explain how white I am.  For those of you who don’t . . .

I’m really white.  My 25% Italian heritage must be recessive, because you really wouldn’t believe me by looking at me – and it’s Sicilian, by the way.

Anyhoo, back in the day, I fancied myself a competitive ballroom dancer.  In consideration of the judges (and everyone else who may be in attendance at competitions), it’s common practise for the particularly pasty to tan prior to competition.  Seeing as I didn’t want to die wrinkly and early before my fiftieth birthday, I looked to fake-tanning methods.  I also looked for deals, because that stuff ain’t cheap.

Cut to December 2009.  I had stopped dancing competitively, but was still telling myself I’d get back into it (who am I kidding . . . I still tell myself I’ll get back into it).  Groupon had a deal for a custom airbrush at Perfect Tan.  I had actually known someone who had gotten an airbrush from there and it had looked fantastic, so I threw caution to the wind and bought the coupon.

Fast-forward to December 2010.  My Groupon was only redeemable for another few days and – surprise, surprise – I hadn’t gotten back into competitive dancing.  Too stubborn to let the money go to waste, I figured I would go to Perfect Tan and get the lightest setting possible.  That way I’d just look sun-kissed.

Never having been to this salon or having had a custom airbrush before (my previous Oompa Loompa phases have been a direct result of lotions and sprays), I was admittedly a little nervous, but I was in luck.  The entire salon was very well-kept, and the woman behind the desk (who also administered my airbrush), Macall, was very sweet.  She somehow managed to take the awkwardness out of the procedure (in case you’re wondering, getting a custom airbrush tan is one of your more vulnerable moments).

Too bad I’m a few ounces of pigment shy of being albino and will just never look good with a fake tan.  Once again, I ended up looking pretty unnatural, but I think it’s just because I don’t have the right skin type.  If you are not one sporting that alabaster glow, then definitely go check out Perfect Tan.  However, if you’re like me (or just a redhead), stop trying to kid yourself.  We’re never going to look good with that idolized beach glow.

Tonight’s Tunes
Teenage Dream, Katy Perry

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